What drives the human impulse related to disillusionment? Some people are living the American Dream. And some others are living what is their variation of it that’s close enough to be passable for them. So why can we not take solace in this?
A little restlessness or dissatisfaction can be healthy. If we are to live in a society where upward mobility is considered tantamount to a righteous existence then we must have a force that drives us forward. But what happens when that force derails or pushes us in another direction? My mom convinced herself she was satisfied so many times in her life but the record does not reflect success.
So we then stop and take stock (or at least we should if we really are thinking beings). Many of us just go with impulse. “It’s not broken but I’m tired of fixing it.” “It’s not what I totally want so I’ll abandon it.” Or ” maybe this just isn’t for me.” It all seems a bit like holding out for the CEO position and accepting unemployment in the meantime (I’m looking at you, cousin Eddy).
Just when I get the rug where I think it fits best it gets pulled out. I’m cast adrift wondering what the hell to do next. I presume myself a thinker (in actuality I’m a hack with a passable grasp of the English language). So I’ll try to quantify and analyze my situation down to the last molecule. At the end I keep finding my standard deviation too large or questioning my sample size.
The divorce rate in the US is often touted as hovering around 50%. This figure does not tell the whole story. According to an article in USA Today, “A study published in the journal Couple Family Psychology found that lack of commitment was the most often cited reasons for divorce, listed by 75 percent of individual participants. This was followed by infidelity at 59.6 percent, too much arguing at 57.7 percent, and marrying too young at 45.1 percent as the most common causes of divorce, ” (source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.usatoday.com/amp/39043089).
However, the overall rate appears to be declining. This is a bit misleading on its face as this is influenced by a sharply increasing number of millennials and later generations choosing not to get married. So are those of us who still believe in monogamy and marriage as an institution just dinosaurs who await our demise unaware of the impending meteor strike?
I certainly hope not. Monogamy is a choice (a social construct) just like marriage is a choice. It is not easy. It’s not supposed to be. Marriage is work and protecting the institution takes persistence and compromise. We’re not perfect and we certainly don’t naturally mate for life. We have to put in the miles and accept the challenges.
If you don’t want to follow the parameters, then society offers you alternatives such as being single. I don’t have an issue with those that choose this path. But before you put a ring on it, think seriously about what it means. Are you doing this because you want to or because you think you should? Another option is unmarried but living together or at lease being committed to each other. This is perfectly fine too!
Marriage has many things to offer: companionship, stability, diversified risk, and even love. But none of these are strong enough individually or as a group to hold it together if you aren’t willing to compromise or sacrifice. You have to put in the effort. Anything less and your marriage will eventually just be another statistic, not worth the precious metal used to signify it.
If freedom is what you want then marriage may not be for you. I implore you consider this before you put on the tuxedo or the dress. Marriage has to be more than an expensive pageant followed by lawyer-fodder. It has to mean something. It has to begin in love but be buttressed by commitment through sacrifice and effort. Anything less and you are just playing a part in a play the proceeds of which will go to everyone but you (see also: lawyers). If you have it and want it, fight for it. If you don’t and you’re unsure, don’t move forward. Stop cheapening the institution because you want to look good for others. We can only fix the statistics if we agree that this commitment (and the commensurate tax benefit), is a big one. Don’t do it because you think you should.
Love hard and work hard. But don’t marry for the pageantry. Take some time and try out commitment without the legalese. There is no rush. You can have kids with or without the documents. You can buy a house together as well. Really the only thing you are sacrificing is legal propriety and a tax advantage. If your commitment can’t be trusted without that piece of paper, is it really strong enough to withstand the test of time? Think about it.
Beta Testing Adulthood 