We are taught (most of us) from a young age to be available for others. We are to be generous beings and take care of anyone who needs our help or attention. In some cases this means we sacrifice ourselves to the needs of others. In the process we lose something of ourselves. We become dependent on the well-being and sustaining of others to the point where is comes at our expense. We (generally) do it for the right reasons but it can become a habit.
This constant giving has some air of fulfillment but it has a dark underside. We eventually become dependent on the giving. We take hit after hit and get hurt only to try to keep helping. It is not a healthy thing when it gets to this stage. As we continue to sell ourselves it cheapens us. We get used by those who recognize our giving and in some cases it is unconscious but in others it is exploitative.
We get carved away a gash at a time until we look and realize the damage. I know this because I have learned this about me. I wear an open heart. There is no one one for whom I can’t feel empathy to help. What’s worse, I often don’t know when I have sacrificed myself to the other and wound up in a self-deprecating situation. It smashes our self-image and replaces it with a new construct where we are in service to help and/or protect those who “need” us. Once this occurs the situation become cyclic in that escape or even removal to reset is daunting if not nearly impossible.
And what happens when we finally hit the wall? What happens when we see how much we have given away not to have returned and we shriek? It is a sobering feeling when it happens. You suddenly become aware that you’ve been fed on and worse you offered yourself up willingly.
Do you keep giving? How much should we give? Is there any level that is healthy when you are in this state? Or do we slam the breaks, get out of the car and say “enough is enough, I am a person worthy of love and care too?” This is especially hard because at that moment we are torn by our two options. Stop altogether or keep on giving. I don’t know the answer. I only know that my own journey has opened my eyes. It has shown me that at some point you have to put up your hand and say “you can’t keep taking and not giving.” You have to protect yourself. You have to ensure that those that ask you to give also give in return.
Remember that little bit I wrote on self love? This is when it is time to practice. Stop selling yourself for the love, affection, or praise of another or others who will not repay it. Relationships of any kind must have symbiosis and reciprocity to survive and be healthy. Without these things they are worthless and possibly parasitic. Don’t sell yourselves for others. Only you can recognize the pattern and change it. Only you can decide that it can be repaired to a healthy state or that you must extricate yourself. But at some point, a decision becomes imminent. When it happens, remember, the only one who can help you is you. So fight for you. And above all, remember to love you. It is the only way you can make the hard decisions for the right reasons. You are worth it. If you are not enough for somebody else that is their problem, not yours. You are enough. You are worthy of love and affection. Don’t ever forget that.
Beta Testing Adulthood 