Sometimes strength is fleeting even for the strongest. This COVID-19 crisis has shown us that repeatedly. It’s a scary prospect to face our own mortality. It’s even worse to face it in light of so much pain and death. The death and suffering is everywhere. What’s worse is we’re surrounded by buffoons who not only eschew science and math; the celebrate that they do. It is a wanton disregard for human life only rivaled by the gun lobby.
Working in a hospital, I see strength every day. I see the bravery and sacrifice. And I see the walls of the strongest crumble. I work in an essential department (engineering) as a support service to frontline staff. We make sure the machinery works, the airflow is correct, the beds are operational, the ventilators operational, etc. We spend a lot of time talking about negative pressure and exhausting the air from infection isolation rooms.
In the midst of it I see the frontline staff in hazmat suits. I talk to them and hear the fear as they look for any comfort that our efforts might help them. I see the same fear in my engineers and mechanics who go into these rooms to repair equipment suffering issues or to adjust flows. Sometimes I get so lost working out the fluid dynamics of airflows in a patient room that I forget what these people are up against emotionally.
I have seen what intubated COVID patients look like. We have made room to accommodate extra (across the entire industry) bodies in our morgues. We are starting to see the curve turning to flatten. But this thing is not done. It hasn’t even begun. We already know there will be a second wave and likely a third wave. The next one will come in the Fall. Hopefully it is no worse than this one but that will depend if we refuse to exchange lives for economies. As Americans we’re not very good at that part.
But I’m getting off track. I saw things today that brought me to tears. I won’t discuss them here. I have been told I am strong. I am not defending that statement but I will adopt it for this post. Maybe I am strong. Maybe I am even counted among some of the strong working the front lines of this thing. I don’t think I have earned that. But it is the feeling I want to talk about.
In this society we depend on the strong. Not the blustering or blowhard variety but rather those we can depend on and who do not require validation. They do it just because it has to be done. How do you feel when you see one of the strong break down? I have seen it. Today I was one of them. One minute you are just standing there talking and you realize there are now tears running down your face. You don’t know why that moment was when it happened. Maybe you just boil over.
What’s more awkward is the strong can’t hug each other right now. They suffer silently maintaining a safe distance so they don’t unknowingly harm their peer. I have seen them so many times. Off in a private room, an alcove, a stairwell, releasing some of the pain they have held in. They will be strong again, they just have to let off some pressure.
Today I was one of them. I excused myself and shook until it passed.
I can’t describe the selfless bravery and commitment I see every day. All I can tell you is you should be thankful it is there. I know I am. Now I am off for the night and I’m done being strong today. Hopefully I find an outlet to release whatever is left. Hug those you love right now. Life is fragile. We are fragile. And we have to show up for each other.
Beta Testing Adulthood 