I am fond of saying “I don’t know what I’m doing” on here. That is no accident. It’s not that I walk around a clueless buffoon in this life (well, not all the time anyway). But it is more to say that nothing I type in here is vetted beyond me. I am not a prophet or a wiseman. What experience I possess is my own and my life is fraught with mistakes and missteps. I didn’t really understand trauma until I was in my 30’s (spoiler: I’m late Gen X and expressing or accepting our feelings is not our jar of marmalade). Once I understood the existence of the trauma I attempted to dissolve or drown it in various libations (plot twist: that stuff can breathe underwater).
In a recent conversation I told someone I write a blog (I didn’t have the guts to tell them it’s really a diary masquerading as an opinion piece). They said, “oh, is it a lifestyle blog?”
What the hell is a lifestyle blog? No, I’m not going to Google it. I am going to make rash assumptions and then be fully incensed about it (this is still the internet and I’m entitled to my grossly underinformed opinion). I mean, at the mouth of this river is me. I have a lifestyle and I (badly) write a blog. So….maybe it is a lifestyle blog? I don’t know. I don’t know the names of who made my furniture. I’m a snob about my Kohler bath fixtures but it’s not HansGrohe? I’m an audiophile but my hearing is damaged enough that I don’t see the point in investing in Bang & Olufsen. Although my arrogance and vanity wholeheartedly disagree…
This is my personal editorial page. This is a chance for me to impart unto you the vast cadre of knowledge I have gained over my 43 years on this ball of stone, metal, and biology [sarcasm]. This blog is a chance for me to be vulnerable in some ways and let you know that I am far beyond far from perfect. But also to let you know you’re not alone. And really you may be perfect (Hi Gaston!). In that case I’m pretending I’m on your level (deal with it, we’re flying coach in this conversation) whether it’s above or below at the moment. And maybe you’re imperfect. I find that at least as beautiful as perfect but likely much much more. Imperfect isn’t easy. You have to live in a world that requires perfection and fake it. You have to accept that much of what we assume to be settled sociology in how our society perceives beauty is actually temporary performative hogwash. You have to accept your flaws and soldier on. It drains the soul like a spile* in a Vermont Maple tree. But you do it. And that is so much more beautiful than bronzer or airbrushing could ever hope to be. You’ve got grit. I was just talking to my friend about grit. I find it one of the realest and most admirable traits in a person. This is especially true if you can avoid jaded negativity. I struggle to imagine that emo and grit can live in harmony.
Charles Dickens kind of nailed my opinion of vanity in this little bit; “Man,” said the Ghost, “if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. Will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be that, in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man’s child.” Yeah, I know Chuck was talking about charity and goodwill but I’ll happily apply it to vanity. There is some crossover as greed could also be swapped in.
Not that I’m immune from it. This guy has an interview (third round panels) with a healthcare & university chain you’ve probably heard of. So I’m pretty sure I am walking a smidge taller for it. I don’t know if it means anything at this point as my loyalty is likely to preclude my hubris and greed. But, I got through the first two rounds and part of why was accepting that I have flaws and being willing to talk about them when asked.
I hope this finds you happy and healthy tonight. If not I hope it finds you safe.
Until next time…
*Thanks to Maura for keeping me honest!
Beta Testing Adulthood 