Are you comfortable talking about manipulation? In this sense I’m talking about you being manipulated (exception for those who prefer to be the manipulator). Do you know it when it happens? Are you a little susceptible, or are you very susceptible to it? Do you know your vulnerable points and your insecurities? Most importantly, do you know when someone you trust is using them to manipulate you or gaslight you? It isn’t always easy to tell when they walk into your life (or you into theirs).
Strap in, dear reader. This promises to be a very weird way to make my point, but I think it will make a lot of sense if you’re a nerd (and all too often-a sucker) like me. You see, I can’t help but believe there is an inherent good and altruism in all of us. I try not to label people with permanent stigmas such as “evil,” “criminal,” or “bad.” Notice I said I try. I am not persistent in every case. This gap is actually an internalized trauma response learned from the receipt of battle scars aplenty both external and internal. This brings us to the odd theme I have chosen to make my point.
There is only so much dancing on copyright lines I can get away with on here so you will have to make your own soundtrack. I strongly recommend James Horner’s masterpiece “Wrath of Khan” movie soundtrack. It has mariner-esque and classic “versus” theatricals woven into the notes themselves. And how does the manipulator feel about us wandering up with our defenses down but ready to trust them? Should we have our defenses down?
They may tell you they admire you. They may tell you they need you. They may hire you. They may tell you they love you. They may praise you. And it feels so damned good. If you’re like me and were raised in chaos or caretaking those platitudes might as well be a drug or currency. You want to just let it envelop you. You want to believe it is all true. If it is true then you look like kind of a badass. “Am I the best lover?” “Am I the best [job title] they’ve ever had?” “Am I the smartest?” “Am I the most handsome/beautiful?” Still…there is a voice in your head saying…
But the attraction to this praise proves too alluring. You jump in. It proves to be everything you sought…at first. BTW- most of what I am flinging here can be cross referenced in psychology journals and/or the DSM-V. I have myriad personal examples of this but my former boss was a true prodigy. Once he had you, you were his plaything like a cat with a toy.
“WAIT! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? This wasn’t what I signed up for! I thought you loved/respected/promoted/believed in me? Maybe if I try harder?” Hook, line, and sinker my dear friend. At times you may realize you are being manipulated and even intentionally (or just uncaringly) hurt now. Defense?
You’re too late, my friend. The hooks are in, the push~pull cycle has begun, and next comes the damage.
But there is a snippet I have not mentioned. In those initial phases during the love bombing and the praise, the narcissist was mapping you. It is an awful but likely subconscious habit of the manipulative person. At least the mapping part is unconscious, but the hurt that it is used to bring about is handled through intentional cognitive dissonance and a complete inability to take accountability. This isn’t all that hard as these people aren’t all that good with empathy (they mostly or completely lack it). On the rare occasion they feel it, they find it so painful and so caustic they find a way to subdue and escape it either through relational satiation or more bad behavior. Speaking of that… where were we? Oh yeah, testing and strategic attacks.
At this point, you are probably wondering how you got into this and why this is happening. Or you are stupified by the devastating hurt just visited on you. It can be sudden, or it can be cumulative over many microaggressions.
At this point those who care about you likely will speak up about it. Like “dude, that’s a nasty emotional gash you have there.”
When it finally comes to an end or a cease fire you are somewhere between hurt and devastated. At this point, and especially if you are new to it, you are examining what you did wrong. And I can virtually promise you your tormentor is not going to stop you. To them, this is your fault… you had it coming. If you had been a better employee, if you had lived up to your promise, if you were a better lover, if you were better looking, if you were slimmer, if you were cooler, if you weren’t……just…..so……..you, then this wouldn’t have happened.
In a recent conversation with a prolific writer friend of mine I used the phrase “emotional shelling.” It seems fitting to use that here. As you go through the repeated push~pull cycles you will likely be able to see these attacks more for what they are over time. The problem remains that they still hurt and they will still drive you to: get more credentialed, go back to school, become a gym rat, and so on. Anything to get back that original drug you felt during the pull.
Time for a little detour here. After a few cycles of this toxic orbit you may start seeking ways to retaliate. With a narcissistic boss you might shop yourself to other employers. Be careful here. They love a game of chicken. They may call your bluff. Or if they do fight to keep you I promise you they will make you pay for it later (remember Hannah Waddingham’s amazing interaction with Higgins in Ted Lasso, “I know how this works, you’ll come back, grovel for your job and I’ll give it to you. But I’ll make your life just a little bit worse.”). And if it happens to be a lover you might decide to try to make them jealous. This ends in one of two ways also. They either call your bluff or…
…you may succeed. But if you are successful I’d advise you to build up a fund for replacement dishes and tires. To be fair, both of you are forging trauma bonds at this point. Two wrongs don’t make a right. What’s more, you have taken these hurt rituals and cast them into cycles.
This can go on in perpetuity. There can be good (or at minimum not-awful) periods. Life still has to be lived while you are dancing in this ring. Why? Because the toxic now feels normal. You are invested. Maybe the job has promoted you just enough to keep you, but not enough to advance somewhere else. Maybe you are so economically dependent on it that you can’t go without even a week of pay transitioning to a new job. Maybe your loyalty has been bought with some sort of reclaimable bonus or tuition reimbursement contract that holds you in servitude. Or maybe you are in a relationship where kids and / or property are involved. There are any number of reasons why we don’t break out. But the toxic cycles take an accumulation in tears and chronic stress.
To quote a Doobie Brothers album name, “What were once vices are now habits.”
Soooooo what now? Well, you can go on in perpetuity, and many pairings do. You can mutually go your own ways (this is painfully unlikely to happen but can – especially in a romantic relationship where both partners can recognize the toxicity and agree to put something, someone, or others above themselves). Or one party can try to exit independently – with terribly predictable results (common in workplace situations).
The Codep Fixer can try to leave with the above being the result. Or…
the Narc/Manip can leave with this being the result (James Tiberius screaming “KHAN” is the Codep in this example).
If you decide to break the cycle, there are some bits of information and possibly some advice I can offer.
Information: this is going to hurt like hell. There is no way around it. You are essentially addicted to this person or situation and the chaos. The built cycles are diecast and breaking them will feel like a small death. You will have to grieve it. You will be hit pretty hard by how smoothly they seem to move on. You will wonder if they actually ever felt anything for you. You will wonder how it was so damned easy for them. Know this; in any relationship with a narcissist they were ready and planning to move on long before you even knew what was happening. For them, waiting to move on or not moving on means dwelling on the actual feelings or nature of the situation and there is no way they are going to let that happen. This person has built a defensive wall around their ability to feel unpleasant things and will they use anything including human shields to reinforce it. In addition, vanity is a big deal to them. They cannot allow themselves to feel undeserving or unwanted. They will plug any holes in the wall with new people. Moreover they will flaunt it. Vanity doesn’t do much good if you don’t show off.
I don’t mean this post to come across as purely critical. They hurt, too. They probably always have. But they have a level of conditioned avoidance that means they’d rather live in a perpetual hum of moderate pain than suffer instances of sharp situational pain. It is okay to feel for them, but you have to feel more for you! It is time to pick up the pieces and move forward. It’s time to fix you.
Beta Testing Adulthood 