The Lakota have a word, Inipi, that relates to a sweat lodge ceremony where one is reborn or has a spiritual awakening-like rebirth. I like the vibes this gives off. I don’t think I’m experiencing something purely spiritual, but I hate the English words and phrases that could convey. This is not an awakening, I have been awake this whole time. I don’t like the idea of rebirth as I was pretty cool before, so I am not looking to be recreated. And honestly, this year is not starting with a spiritual awakening as much as a a spiritual exploration and discovery mission. A discovery mission into my own soul.
Or hell, maybe it is just a repackaged midlife crisis. It is not easy to tell the difference from the cheap seats. But I plan on making it to at least 90, so maybe this is my Harley and Hang Gliding.
History is replete with new beginnings and turning points. Every major crisis is the worst we have faced when we’re in the thick of it. If our minds were better at taking stored information and assigning true values while removing emotion, we would be better judges of this. But I am far too emotional a biped to have any such skill. In reality, I am just like all the other specs of cosmic dust assigning too much relevance my to daily experiences as they sit in the cosmic whole. But even with all that, I still think my impact matters, too.
2025 was honestly one of the hardest years I have faced. I don’t think I noticed as much as I should have in real time as I was too worried about everyone else. Some others reciprocated the love and concern. And some debited more than they credited. The year started off relatively calm, or so I thought from my naive first person standpoint. To quote Steve Martin, “I was profoundly unhappy but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.” The truth is I neglected myself and my own needs. I would like to say I have learned enough from this that it won’t happen again, but I’m not a new hire in my life. I know that prevention will be a combination of self-advocacy, removing those that don’t respect my boundaries, and only accepting things that fit my life.
The last 2 months of the year brought special challenges I couldn’t even imagine I would have to face. Someday I will detail these for a memoir, but not today. Let’s just say everyone is safe and healthy, the lights still turn on, and there is a hopeful future. I also learned the brilliance of that phrase, “when people show you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou was a treasure we didn’t deserve but were blessed to have. If I can actually adopt that, I will be doing a lot better this year.
This post isn’t about complaining how last year sucked nor is it saying this year will be perfect. But it is saying something about resilience. I suppose you might call it mindfulness since it is living in the moment. I think that is the key to maintaining my peace and moving forward. Trying to park the unknown and unhelpful in a mental rental locker and focus on what is necessary to take the step in front of me.
Some of the effect the 2025 tumult had was to make going to the gym feel arduous. I know it feels arduous for a lot of people but this was something different. I could get to the gym and park, but then I just sat in my car staring ahead as if in a trance. It became worse and worse. I think it started in late July but by November it was a setpiece. And the thing is, I LOVE THE GYM. Weightlifting has done magical things for my health. I lost 70lbs between mid 2022 and now. I am stronger than I have ever been, and the gym is now spiritual. But something was holding me back — something inside of me that acted like a spectre sitting on me and preventing movement. I drove home wearing still-fresh workout gear and battling negative self talk many times. Too many times. Then it hit me; I just need to take one step. That first one is the thickest barrier. So I made a playlist named “Wiggle Your Big Toe.”
Assuming you get the reference, it is about where you have to start when you are completely stuck. For me, it is a playlist. 4 songs I turn on when leaving the house. The final one is operant conditioning. I associate it with moving forward. And you know what? It worked. It did and continues to. I am by no means cured or so far out of the woods I’m in the meadow, but I am in motion. And damn it feels good. Once inside the gym I switch to one of my lifting playlists which now all end with “Dear Agony,” by Breaking Benjamin. I know the topic matter of the song is heavy, but for me it is a celebration of what I just did. It is a ballad to myself that champions the lactic acid coursing through me and lack of glycogen in the fibers I just punished.
2025 sucked. But every staircase has a bottom step and every happy ending comes from some sort of strife. If you have no basis for comparison the new day is just another day. I would love to think that perfect Pinterest world exists, but that is just not true. Everyone has some thing they are battling.
So if you are sitting in your car paralyzed from action, try wiggling your big toe. It seems simple, but good goddamn is it ever effective. You’re not stuck, you’re just taking pause.
If you made it this far in my rambling, then here is the payoff. I decided it had been too long since I played out. My last blog post and last night on stage were nearly 2 years ago. I knew that had to stop. So on New Year’s Eve, I joined the amazing people at The Gem for a special open mic. You want to talk about therapeutic? It was soul-filling.
I hope your 2026 is filled with joy, love, and peace. For my part, I think this year will be a series of posts detailing growth and success in all things I do. If I am wrong, at least I can learn from it and write about it. In any case, I will be playing more open mics, writing new material, and putting up more posts. I hope to see you along the way. Happy New Year, friend.
Beta Testing Adulthood 