Beta Testing Adulthood

A friend recently told me “when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses you can’t see the red flags.” It’s the kind of statement that takes your breath for a minute. It is so simple yet it covers a large range of things I know I have done (I won’t speak for you all in this case). Another turn-of-phrase I considered was, “we would rather live in the hell we know than the heaven we don’t.” Boom. Sometimes it feels like our coping mechanisms have coping mechanisms. It can feel as if our whole narrative is full of edits we never even knew were there with new ones constantly popping up. Remember when Bugs Bunny was constantly tormenting Daffy by rewriting/redrawing him? Yeah, kinda like that. And a person, people, or life in general can be the illustrator/editor (generally the last 2 are most common). But don’t get comfortable in this sentiment yet, we all bear responsibility for our actions. So just be aware I don’t intend for this post to absolve our own personal accountability for our contributions/actions.

This post will meander a bit but with me hopefully you are used to that by now. If you’re new here some caffeine might be in order. A few nights ago I found myself wondering if a sentient teabag would know it was steeping or would it just assume it is in a warm bath? Fully submerged would it feel its transition? How would it react when you withdrew it and it realized it had lost its scent, flavor, and color? I know, I am getting kind of deep. But aside from consideration of self-aware Earl Grey I was thinking how much knowledge we have compiled while still acting like we know nothing in daily life. If you go to Amazon and search *self help books* it stops counting at 100,000. Try it on Google and you will get 1,410,000,000 hits. That is a lot of self help considering we kind of suck at helping ourselves. We see satiation or impulse as self care (I am the spokesperson for this particular brand). Or we accept any number of other potentially harmful practices masquerading as kindness to oneself. Yet we cover little or no ground. Why?

‘Eat that brownie, it’s self help.’ ‘Buy that thing you want, it’s self-care.’ “WHO’S SAD? WHO’S HUNGRY?” Now, I know I seem a bit presumptuous here and if you think so that’s fair. But our society doesn’t function in moderation or grey area, it functions in absolutes. We are told to resist black & white thinking yet everything in our (American) daily life reinforces it. You are good or bad. You are fat or thin. You are smart or stupid. It is hard to sell something to someone who doesn’t need anything. And herein lies the problem; convince someone they are broken and that you have the fix and they will throw their money at you. How else can you explain the existence of 23-year-old life coaches? Note: I’m not begrudging anyone earning a living here but if you have a basal metabolic rate that consumes 3300 calories per day and you’ve never had your heart broken in a way that involves packing boxes, I’m all stocked up, thanks.

So what happens when we take off the glasses? Turns out there is a lot. I referenced gels and gobos (for those of you who did theater in the ancient days before Vari-Lighting) because the glasses are only part of the story. Yes we willingly put on the glasses but other things in our world set the stage. The madness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There has to be at least an antagonist but usually there is a whole cast (and many if not all in this cast may have no idea they are participants). In many people’s lives there could be a set and props. Our cognitive dissonance gets a lot of help and subsidies. Then one day you realize it is the Truman Show. I wish I could say I like Truman have had a single giant epiphany but in reality I have probably had more than Law & Order has had celebrity guest stars. That doesn’t lessen their importance. These all contribute to a healthier personhood if you take notice and learn from them.

A few days ago, I was talking of my recent trials and tribulations with a friend of mine. I was obviously upset. They made a point of checking on me every so often just to make sure I was okay. When I thanked them they replied, “for what? You mean basic fucking human decency?” I was stunned. Some part of me always expects an exact exchange. As if our emotional world is made up of debits and credits. I had little of exchange value to offer in this conversation yet it wasn’t necessary.*

I tackled a pretty decent hike the other day. It started with a 400′ ascent (I think the first part was named Mount Misery – not kidding). I know that climb isn’t much amongst the “fit” crowd but I have a lot of work to do and that was one hell of a hill to take on straight up. I think I only paused 3x? Maybe 4x? But I made it. And the rest of the hike was a feeling of triumph that anything is possible. This was not brought to me by rose-colored glasses. I was awed by the beauty of it all without pretense. If you haven’t explored Valley Forge NP you should. And when you can hear your heart beating in your ears at 150 BPM, it is a lot easier to focus on the views than your thoughts.

Yeah. That pic above? I saw that up close. It is an old spring water bottling plant. I will go back for more shots and get some info because that was cool. I plan on hitting this trail often. I have plantar fasciitis, moderate asthma, and a torn Achilles to battle on top of being out of shape. But really it wasn’t as horrible as I thought and I enjoyed pushing myself. I feel these other things will reduce with time if I put the work in. But isn’t that the case with any worthwhile destination?

Turn off the stage lights, take off the glasses, and tell the negative influences in your world “we need to rewrite the script.” Grab a cool person and head for the woods. Hike along a river. Take in the scenery. Enjoy the moment. Be there for others with no expectation of something in return. Let go of the negative feelings and just be – if you can. If you can’t, then survive until you can. As I sometimes have to tell myself in the darkest hours, “You don’t know how not to survive.”

As for me, I am off to the airport to have my predictable trip to second base with security. Not sure why they love so much to search me but I think a few of these instances in the past could be considered a brief committed relationship. One almost gave me a promise ring. I had to turn him down…flight to catch and all.

*Footnote: if you are like me and used to debits and credits when it comes to feelings then basic fucking human decency is going to be new feeling. Make sure you don’t take advantage of it or take it for granted. I’m starting from scratch.

Music credits listened-to while writing this monstrosity: 1) Bee Gees 2) Chris Isaac 3) Shaed 4) Olivia Rodrigo

Happy Friday to those who celebrate. I have to tell you, friends, things have looked up in recent days and I was due. There was a point (which you could probably infer from some of my writings) where I was beginning to think I was hexed or something. I would have hired a gypsy if I could have found one. I shite you not, I had an unbroken run of bad news and experiences that ran 6 weeks. And that six weeks followed a Spring that wasn’t particularly swell. There was some heartache mixed in there as well for body and flavor.

I won’t keep you long tonight. I am going to try smoking some meat and enjoy the weather. A friend of mine is fond of the phrase “trust the process.” As cliché as that is she was absolutely right. Granted, she was talking about something totally different. But I found some serotonin and didn’t have to do anything special to get it. I earned it I guess.

I hope this light extemporaneous blurb finds you well and that you are taking care of yourself. I have learned a lot about self-care, cutting yourself a break, and forgiveness recently. I am going to stick with that. The battery acid that is anger cannot be left to pool. It will eat right through your gut. I hate to say this but I know this from firsthand experience. Hopefully this doesn’t constitute TMI.

Tonight the air smells of honeysuckle and evergreen, none of my bills are late, a smoky bourbon has requested my opinion, and my flip chair beckons. I have a hunch there will be a banging sunset tonight and I intend to attend. Make the most of the moment, friend. May peace find you ready to accept it tonight.

Much love,

Dan

Tonight has a special vibe. I’ve just recently read Albert Einstein’s “Out of My Later Years” and Shakespeare’s “Richard III.” Add to that selected readings from Shari Schrieber while listening to Beyonce and I would say the outcome is eclectic. Recently I have been thinking of getting my first tattoo. It would certainly be a line from Dick3 or something akin. Albert does a good job of avoiding the malfeasance associated with his nuclear work. And Beyonce just rules the scene as well she should, but no one from the 20th century is going on this Bentley.

Being underestimated is its own form of torture. Being ignored or taken for granted are particularly problematic also. Do you consider yourself an empath? According to the balance theory this must be the case.

What do we do when we are left behind with every reminder of days past? Grandpa’s pocket watch, grandma’s china, or pictures of innocence we can no longer comprehend? Where we are is simply “life” whereas the subjects of the nostalgia are “a lifetime ago.” It is problematic we can imagine lifetimes in our own lives. In fact it makes natural progression of stages seem like dénouement.

Reflection is both a blessing and a curse. It is a great way to review our own history files and determine opportunities for improvement. Conversely it can mean nostalgia – that fickle imp that makes us look at photo books and recall only the highlight reel of our lives. We didn’t get here unscathed. It is okay to remember the good. But for your own sanity remember the bad. When we whitewash our own history we wind up with false cognitions. When we get too used to it we whitewash things like the Civil War being a battle over slavery and change it to a simple political disagreement.

I plan on watching “Gaslight” tonight. I hope it is good because I have waltzed with the best. Trust your gut, trust science, trust facts, and never allow yourself to question your own sanity. Life can change on a dime. You’re a bad MoFo and have as much right to this rock as I do. It feels good to write something less dark.

Bask in the sun dear friend. If they talk shit they would have anyway.

And remember to love each other unequivocally.

At some point there must exist a defining line between extraordinary optimism and naivety. Of course I am positing this based on my flawed belief structure and not any real settled science. In this venue I feel secure to clarify my own thoughts on the matter although I must warn you I will not resolve anything. I have known many Lucy van Pelts in my brief existence yet I will run for the football every time. If I used the ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi my heart would be solid gold now. The art depends on the kindness of others not to rebreak the piece. That is not a confidence I can rely upon.

I want so badly for the things I consider true to actually be so but as a secular pragmatist I should really know better. So I follow the data in my professional life and it never leads me astray. But in matters of the heart….well….

See also: me. It truly doesn’t matter how much we will something to be true. If there are more than you involved then you should just anticipate disappointment. Getting better is so much less attractive than continuing behavior we know harms us because at least we can control that. Or we can kid ourselves is reality…

This summer has been by far the hardest in my life…and I have endured some really fucking hard summers. I am getting by. But I would love a closet in which to scream or a reprieve from reality.

Just remember; people are who you say they are but later they may not be. No pact you make is worth a thing. Follow Sun-Tzu and assume the worst. Either you will be ready or you will have to explain some overpreparation.

I’ll stop there as the last 40 hours have been enough. Lets clean the slate and try this again later.

Sometimes you have to focus on those things that make the most difference in the world. This is a story about love (and I totally lifted that last line from Moulin Rouge). I have had an extended period off work to spend with visiting family. This gives one time to reflect. My whole world has changed and continues to be in flux as new normal sets in and sometimes morphs again. At this point it seems prudent to remind you that I have no idea what I am doing in this pageant we call life. No one does. We are all pretending we have a map when really we are just feeling our way through.

Jeez dude. Why so dark? Stay with me here, this isn’t intended to be dark. Quite the opposite in fact. This is talking about an absolute love. Not just the romantic one that gives us butterflies or has us fooling around in the dark. This is talking about the love that makes you realize some things are more important than our selfish wants. The wants can make us stay in situations where we feel stifled or cannot grow. But we are afraid to work without a net. We don’t want to be alone (God forbid we have to listen to our own thoughts….just kidding, there is always tiktok).

This is the love where we give up things so that they may have the space to grow or we space ourselves so we don’t stifle. And this love can hurt like hell. But it is still borne of that part of us that wants to give. It is a part of us that cares. The tears we shed with this love are heavier I think. I swear they feel like they have led in them except they also come out in such large quantities.

I really thought I would just want to run from love right now. Little did I know it was still there but it was wearing its hair differently. The courage to change the love you are living to make everyone better than they were is really goddamned hard. It feels like grieving. Maybe it is. But it doesn’t go away. In this hack writer’s opinion, it takes a level of courage most cannot even comprehend. I was so afraid. And I produced these tears by the gallon.

I have cried them until I was sure I was dehydrated.

If you love someone, set them free. If you cannot be the lovers you should be together, then do it apart. What is meant to be will be. I’m not a fatalist but I do believe life has a way of working itself out. Especially if we have the courage to do the work. I’ve known more courage in the last 2 years than I have known the rest of my life. And the last 8 weeks have been like concentrate. But fuck it. This is a flex and I have earned it. Tonight I am writing a story about love. This life is too beautiful to circumnavigate without love.

Care for those around you. Carry each other when we can’t carry ourselves. Prop each other up. Tonight I am free of anger and am enjoying a beautiful calm. It won’t last forever but I am going to bask in it while I can.

And if you are reading this, I probably love you.

I suppose we all find ways to add sound to the dearth and to quiet the sound we can’t stand. In my case the sound of the former is the leader on the menu tonight. I know it seems chic to be vulnerable as a man in today’s society. But that is not necessarily easy. “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” -Friedrich Nietzsche.

Now, I don’t portend to be in agreement with Fred on a lot of things but sometimes he says some rather poignant shit that happens to hit on the sweet spot of my day. I’m not going to lie, the last 24 hours has been rough for me through my own making. If I knew why, I could have avoided it. But my inner masochist insists – combined with the advice of others – that I must feel the feelings. As if only in grieving can one find refuge from their own torment.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight but I thought it appropriate to note this. I am doing the work. It sucks but I am doing it. We’re all winging it a bit here and anyone who says differently should be selling cars. I keep waiting for the hard parts to ease and the heartache to show me the road forward. Green grass or not I am stomping my way though it.

Much love and talk to you soon.

It has been a while, hasn’t it?

Well, like all things in life we choose what we nurture and pay attention to. It is evident that my children and my work are always things that stay in this arena but it is not always as clear what else. I became a soccer coach for my son’s team. I did not know just how much I would enjoy it but to say it has been rewarding is an understatement

I’m learning to build new community albeit mostly work-based. But moving to a new state in a pandemic played hell with social bonding. I’m not the only one I know. Everybody had to struggle during the modern day dystopian nightmare. Even that made it harder though. Being one who wanted the pandemic to end despite any personal inconvenience, I think I would avoid a lot of social opportunities lest I discover the other person to be an anti-vaxxer or a maskhole.

I’ve avoided the blogging in many ways because I just couldn’t make the time. Well, in reality I wanted to vent about idioten and I knew the world didn’t need more negativity. Although it did convince me we really do need to put more focus on science education in this country.

The next few months are going to be hectic and I am bracing up for it. But I know the outcome will be a good thing. I think I’m spending most of June as a taxi. I’m goddamn determined to finish the bathroom even if it kills me (it won’t, I just detest drywall mudding).

Most of all, I will make the time to give this blog the attention it deserves as do the 4-9 of you that read it. I find my comfort with my professional situation is allowing me more relaxed feelings with my topics. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not, but it will be entertaining I am sure.

Peace and love, Y’all

It struck me recently that I felt more “adultish” than in previous times. Maybe that’s due to the feeling of physical aging. It could be due to the mortgage. Maybe it is due to the impending student loan bills (I really held out hope for reform happening).

In any case, it is both invigorating and terrifying. Credit card companies all wanna talk. Terms like “financial advisor” roll off the tongue with a buttery ease. And capturing the passions of youth seems more elusive than ever.

I don’t feel “old” as of yet. But it sure seems a small step if I’m not careful. I had a cortisone injection in my left elbow yesterday to once again buy time for a tendon to heal. I guess it is good that I need that tendon to be as active as I’d like to be.

I don’t mind feeling adult. But holy hell I am not interested in feeling “old.” So where do we find the spice? What is the key to harnessing the youth? I don’t care to stop aging or find some magical fountain of youth. I’m not that vain. But I sure would like to use this flesh bipedal meatsuit to its full potential while I can.

What really matters in this world is ethics. It’s not about God, it’s not about rules, it’s about who we are. If you know what is right and wrong that’s what counts. I take personally everything close me. That includes family, friends, work, etc. And I protect the same as if my own.

Give a shit.

That’s the post.

It has been a while. Sorry about that. Life happens when you least expect it. I moved 857 miles to chase a dream. My decision was right but again, life happens. Now I find myself looking at a world of options. I am about as loyal as they come although the past 20 months may not look that way.

Now I find myself facing uncertainty and I am biting my lip a lot. That’s not the end of the world, actually I’m kinda used to that part. But what do you say when they ask you to tackle the uncertain in a rickety dingy?

Lately I have felt the absolute drive to preserve the institution in which I have invested myself for the greater good. As such I have thrown myself into it. I don’t think I could care less about the overall parent but I love the local folks. The leadership is solid and transparent. When people devote their lives to something that definitely grabs my attention and commands respect.

Is there safety in numbers? That question becomes infinitely more complicated when those numbers are dwindling. You can only remove a quarter so many times until you are left with virtually nothing. First you remove the fat. Then you try to lean up the meat if you can but when you reach bone you should stop chopping.

Sometimes you are standing at a precipice and it feels like a reckoning. Other times you find yourself at a crossroads. First there are 2 roads. Then there are 4, 6, 8, and so on. The hardest part is remaining strong in mind. Presence and clarity are the wings you have to rely on. And under no circumstances can you be impulsive.

Now it is time to be mindful. Life wants you to hurry and be impulsive. As far as the living world goes, you are just as useful as compost as a sentient being. Only you can make the right decision. You won’t know what it is. So do the best you can. And Wang Chung.