Beta Testing Adulthood

I am certain that if I hear “unprecedented times” again I am going to slap someone. Yes, things are crazy, but this is not new to our species. The sad truth is we have intentionally complicated our lives so that we cannot stand being immobile, quiet, or restricted in any way. Some people could not handle the state of 4 months off. Who would have thought this possible?

Most people I have encountered lament the time that they get to spend at home and wish they had more…until they do. When we finally have it we act like a cat when a door shuts; I wanted time at home but I didn’t want to be FORCED to. We get so damn finicky about our liberty. We are willing to screw ourselves lest we be even slightly inconvenienced or uncomfortable. It is kind of sad.

But, all that said, it is okay to not be okay. Things kinda suck right now. This is new to all of us. Trust me, I get it. I moved my family 900 miles from the only home I have ever know in the middle of this. In my defense, we agreed to the move prior to a goddamn pandemic. It has been hard. And today it feels like everything is hard. Things cost more, old people are pissed at young people and vice versa, our politicians are jackasses, white people are incapable of owning our mistakes and working with our neighbors, and so on.

Things will get better, but it is up to us to get there. We can’t wait for normal to come to us. We have to make a new normal. Take this as a real chance for improvement. Make something of it.

I’m trying. And I know jus how hard it is. But nothing will get better if we sit around and wait.

We have seen this before.

We have smelled the rot and known something was amiss. Yet no matter how we toil and struggle with this

The thought of admission we abhor.

Tell me of simpler times when it made more sense.

I will tell you of fairy tales told the masses. Yet when time comes to admit the emptiness of our glasses,

We shall decide upon false pretense.

A prevarication myself to tell

Knowing I’m immune, you loon

Opposition on your breath I smell.

Know I the answer you see

You misguided fool, masked you’re but a tool

For those with with whom I disagree.

Our country feels a lot smaller to me lately. It feels like events that should be more distant in some ways are all connected. The resistance of some to the removal of monuments to racists or genocidal monsters confuses me. Some act as if these men were angelic or revered when really the statues were erected decades or centuries after they died to pay homage to the nastiest of their legacies (Columbus and genocide as “discovering” or NB Forrest as “heritage.”)

We are witnessing the bursting of centuries of oppression as a breakthrough in coexistence. “Stop glorifying oppressors” is the real message for these relics when saying Black Lives Matter. And in my opinion it’s not really that big a request. Seems quite reasonable to me. I’m more confused by why the most vitriolic among us are so committed to some pieces of marble and bronze. Why does this matter?

We are in a smaller space than we thought. We all need to learn a new way of living together that provides equality AND equity. If that means tearing down all the statues of old white dudes who made all or part of their fame and/or fortunes on the backs of the oppressed, tear them the fuck down! We are cohabitating. I get that for white folks like myself that is a bit of a new concept. So if you are white like me now is a good time to stop being such a shitty roommate.

What a strange year it has been. Covid was just part of the denouement. Whole unions hung in the balance. I find myself on the other side of the country working for a conglomerate with less experience than I and offered a true chance to make a difference.

Sometimes it is dangerous to reflect. I’ve made choices and been through situations I never would’ve conceived let alone predicted.

Tonight I find myself on my new porch smelling the crisp evening air of the woods and hearing the absence of sirens and engines reflected off bricks. I decided to be bold. I made a skiff from an offer letter and put to sea with only my wits to guide me. But as Claudius opined, I have persevered where smarter men might have foundered.

I take comfort in the settling of the tumult. Like Adams I let the bridge burn behind me. May my world know the peace I have foreseen. I have always preferred my steps to be bold. Now it’s to see whether such commitment bears fruit.

Sometimes strength is fleeting even for the strongest. This COVID-19 crisis has shown us that repeatedly. It’s a scary prospect to face our own mortality. It’s even worse to face it in light of so much pain and death. The death and suffering is everywhere. What’s worse is we’re surrounded by buffoons who not only eschew science and math; the celebrate that they do. It is a wanton disregard for human life only rivaled by the gun lobby.

Working in a hospital, I see strength every day. I see the bravery and sacrifice. And I see the walls of the strongest crumble. I work in an essential department (engineering) as a support service to frontline staff. We make sure the machinery works, the airflow is correct, the beds are operational, the ventilators operational, etc. We spend a lot of time talking about negative pressure and exhausting the air from infection isolation rooms.

In the midst of it I see the frontline staff in hazmat suits. I talk to them and hear the fear as they look for any comfort that our efforts might help them. I see the same fear in my engineers and mechanics who go into these rooms to repair equipment suffering issues or to adjust flows. Sometimes I get so lost working out the fluid dynamics of airflows in a patient room that I forget what these people are up against emotionally.

I have seen what intubated COVID patients look like. We have made room to accommodate extra (across the entire industry) bodies in our morgues. We are starting to see the curve turning to flatten. But this thing is not done. It hasn’t even begun. We already know there will be a second wave and likely a third wave. The next one will come in the Fall. Hopefully it is no worse than this one but that will depend if we refuse to exchange lives for economies. As Americans we’re not very good at that part.

But I’m getting off track. I saw things today that brought me to tears. I won’t discuss them here. I have been told I am strong. I am not defending that statement but I will adopt it for this post. Maybe I am strong. Maybe I am even counted among some of the strong working the front lines of this thing. I don’t think I have earned that. But it is the feeling I want to talk about.

In this society we depend on the strong. Not the blustering or blowhard variety but rather those we can depend on and who do not require validation. They do it just because it has to be done. How do you feel when you see one of the strong break down? I have seen it. Today I was one of them. One minute you are just standing there talking and you realize there are now tears running down your face. You don’t know why that moment was when it happened. Maybe you just boil over.

What’s more awkward is the strong can’t hug each other right now. They suffer silently maintaining a safe distance so they don’t unknowingly harm their peer. I have seen them so many times. Off in a private room, an alcove, a stairwell, releasing some of the pain they have held in. They will be strong again, they just have to let off some pressure.

Today I was one of them. I excused myself and shook until it passed.

I can’t describe the selfless bravery and commitment I see every day. All I can tell you is you should be thankful it is there. I know I am. Now I am off for the night and I’m done being strong today. Hopefully I find an outlet to release whatever is left. Hug those you love right now. Life is fragile. We are fragile. And we have to show up for each other.

I was working in a database today and I hit “save” one too many times. This popped up:

Take your pick. Does it mean house? Wigwam? Shell? Li(f)e as you know it? Job? Hobby?

Assign to it what meaning you will. The first pop-up from this gem was a few months ago. Do you subscribe to the statement or do you keep an open mind?

I try to always keep an open mind but I struggle, dear reader. You do you. I’ll keep my own scorecard.

The Good

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” -Stephen Chbosky

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” -Helen Keller

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world.” -Bill Wilson

“You cannot blame gravity for falling in love.” -Albert Einstein

“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” -H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship…sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.” -Steve Maraboli

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” -Amy Bloom

“Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.” -Kurt Vonnegut

The Not So Good

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” -Oscar Wilde

“Stay away from people who can’t take responsibility for their actions & who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.” -Jennifer Weiner

“Love sucks. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it’s just another way to bleed.” -Laurell K. Hamilton

“I just can’t embarass myself anymore in front of the person I’m supposed to feel most comfortable with. You can only feel like a complete fool so many times before there is nothing left. You love and can’t get enough yet there is no desire in return.” J. Dalo Alder

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” -Stephen Chbosky (yes I put it in both, this one could go either way)

“If it is conditional, it is not love.” -Jaggi Vasudev

Whew. That was a lot to pull together.

Love is confusing as hell. So is life.

That’s it. That’s the post.

2019 has been a tumultuous year. On the good side I got to visit Europe for the first time, trace some ancestry, and graduated with my MBA. On the bad side my mother passed away and my home life has changed in many ways I didn’t anticipate or that I can say I wanted.

Our country continues to make a collective ass of itself. We’ve decided our national policy on climate change is to watch the world melt. The legacy we are leaving our decendents is one of harsh conditions and turmoil.

I wish I could call this a crossroads for me but it isn’t that simple. Were I stronger I’d probably have a plan but there’s too many passengers on my bus for me to autocratically dictate directions. I thought I’d feel resolve once finishing my Master’s but really I’m just drifting trying to figure out what’s next. Career advancement would seem logical but it’s a labrynth and I am spending a lot of time choosing pathways.

I do know this; I’m ready to put this goddamn year behind me. It would be nice to bask in the victories but they are overshadowed by so much Sturm and Drang that it would be foolish to cheer at this moment.

So I’m purging. Paper by paper and pile by pile I am shedding the excess. I’ll never be a minimalist. But there is so much to get rid of. Perhaps I will find an equilibrium with the changes. I’m certainly going to try.

While I search for some synchronicity in my little corner let me part this post with a final tag; fuck 2019.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

Crazy how that one just hits ya, isn’t it? It seems more adult when Barack says it. Change is always coming. It can be the weather, Washington, or in our own backyard. It can happen in minutes, 24 hours, or 3-1/2 months. Our job is to recognize it and react. If we stand firm, perhaps we look like a kick-ass martyr. But really we may break in the wind. Maybe we bend. Or maybe we allow the wind to blow us where we are meant to root…for that moment.

I keep thinking I’m a liberal, but really my rooting makes me seem like a conservative curmudgeon. Today I am ready for the wind and I’m not bending. Lift me to the next fallow field or let me root goddammit. But quit playing with me.

Sometimes you are the painter of your life and sometimes you are the canvas. Know the difference, dear friends. You may suddenly find yourself in the middle of the intersection. Standing there dodging traffic may make perfect sense. But is it the best use of you? Or could you be better served stopping traffic and changing the flow?

Don’t fear the inevitable. Reach your arms out and accept that the world has different ideas for you. It’s okay. Like a Nestle plunge into a mosh pit, accept that something will catch you. It may be you that catches you. But you got this. You’ve got this. You won’t let yourself fail. Your survival instinct won’t fail you now. It obviously hasn’t if you are reading this.

I won’t bore you with some contrived quote about how doing the same thing expecting different result is insanity (was that Sam Clemons or Confucius?). Just accept that there is a new deal on the table and you are ante’d up. You can fold, but you are smarter than that. Figure out the next moves and go forth.

Tonight I imagine I am tough as nails. I imagine standing up for what I want in that moment. And I slide the chips to the center to back up my bet. If your option is obsolescence or the abdication of your spirit, then what do you really have to lose? Nothing but you is the answer. So toss the vodka and throw down.

If I’m wrong feel free to leave a testimonial about how wrong I was. I don’t live for stars or 5 point rating scales. I don’t even care if this gets read. At least I said something. And that’s a damn site better than nothing.