https://betatestingadulthood.wordpress.com/2019/09/26/its-a-shame-about-shame/

Its a shame about shame

SEPTEMBER 24, 2019EMERGINGFROMTHEDARKNIGHT

I felt a bit sad for Chris Flemming in the interview I shared a few posts back when he said that he was worried how his memoire on addiction ; On Drugs, would be received due to shame and stigma surrounding ‘mental health’. I don’t think its a failing to be where we are and to suffer the burdens we do. We have all inherited a particular legacy and are impinged upon by both familial and collective forces in the culture, also there are dominant prevailing ‘myths’ or expectations in our culture. It seems that its a source of shame to struggle, or be human and vulnerable, to feel anxiety, to find it hard to get out of bed or be in a world which so often is far from accepting of truth of the authentic plight of our human condition.

And the truth is often people are judged by other people who have not one clue at all of what that person has endured in their lives and then there are those who keep their own dark family secrets and pains or severings under ‘wraps’ and then deign to judge others. I saw a fair bit of this in my own family when my sister in law told my mother she did not want her daughter anywhere near to my older sister following her psychotic break. That said I understand my sister in law wished for a healthier influence around her children and that is fair enough but my niece ended up having her own breakdown around the same age as my older sister who she was not allowed to have much to do with.

My sister in law was then judged by the family for this attitude without our family really knowing where her attitude of imperviousness came from.

I’m not a huge fan of Catholicism for many reason but I am a fan of a lot of the teachings of Jesus. “Judge not, lest you be judged.” That said we have the right to draw the line where we wish to set our own personal boundaries but it just seems to me that often when we judge that something should not be the way it is, we forget there is actually a very good reason for the said thing being this way. That is why I like the AA saying ‘accept life on life’s terms’, while doing the very best possible to live with life in such a way as not to make too painful for ourselves or anyone else.

To my mind there is no shame in struggling with fear or anxiety, with jealousy or other so called ‘dark’ or murderous feelings and to my mind we are far better off owning the true way we feel because then the likely hood of us having to act those feelings is probably decreased. Getting an insight into our ‘dark side’ or what Carl Jung called personal and collective shadow means we allow for the wholeness and don’t get caught up in narrow, superficial, one sided definitions or expectations to the way humans ‘should or should not’ be acting. It also means our ability to exercise compassion grows. It does not prohibit the erection of personal boundaries but just means we are in a better position to know where they fall for us.

I have often come out in my blog and shared about things I have felt shame or deep regret about. I have been honest about my addiction. I am not really scared as to how it is received any more. I found peace through sharing a good friend’s honest 5th step very early on in my own sobriety and saw that others also struggled with painful issues they had buried or acted out in their addictions. That gave me the courage to be more honest. We need those who are willing to stand up, be honest, come out and share their own weaknesses, flaws, wounds and personal vulnerabilities. We are not bad or weak for the way we struggle. We are not flawed for having been hurt by early trauma, neglect or abuse, we are not to blame for the family inheritance we are bequeathed. In fact it takes courage to face it all in a world the would often rather we deny the truth or own up to the realities that seem to be just too difficult, trying or painful for many to honestly name

We have more therapists now than we’ve ever had. We produce SSRI’S by the trainload. Every issuance of the DSM (currently we’re on #5) gets larger with more diagnoses. But are we happier? I’ll take this one; hell no.

We’re a mess. A big part of why is that we no longer face our problems. We tranquilize them (we have used things like Laudinum and whiskey in the past) and our insurance pays for 5-12 sessions with the therapist to solve everything else. We no longer face life’s problems or our own insecurities because we have a doctor’s note. It’s become a hall pass for crummy behaviour.

I’m not saying the problems aren’t real, they very much are. But we are willing to pop a pill and say “I’m all fixed” rather than suffer the annoying discomfort of looking at ourselves.

Yes, mental health is physical health. We have more mental health treatment than ever before and our outlook is not improving. Between social media and text we fill some of the void to get us by. But at what cost? We still eventually collapse and hope the system catches us. Newsflash: it is not a good catcher.

Nothing can fill the void (in a healthy way) in more that a fleeting way than we can for ourselves. Take the antidepressant. But get the accompanying therapy. Do the homework. And figure out the best life you can live in the moment. Your mental health depends on it.

One parting thought, respite from behavioural health challenges is a journey, not a destination. You will likely never be “well” but you will be okay. Sometimes that’s the best we can do.

Keep fucking going.

What drives the human impulse related to disillusionment? Some people are living the American Dream. And some others are living what is their variation of it that’s close enough to be passable for them. So why can we not take solace in this?

A little restlessness or dissatisfaction can be healthy. If we are to live in a society where upward mobility is considered tantamount to a righteous existence then we must have a force that drives us forward. But what happens when that force derails or pushes us in another direction? My mom convinced herself she was satisfied so many times in her life but the record does not reflect success.

So we then stop and take stock (or at least we should if we really are thinking beings). Many of us just go with impulse. “It’s not broken but I’m tired of fixing it.” “It’s not what I totally want so I’ll abandon it.” Or ” maybe this just isn’t for me.” It all seems a bit like holding out for the CEO position and accepting unemployment in the meantime (I’m looking at you, cousin Eddy).

Just when I get the rug where I think it fits best it gets pulled out. I’m cast adrift wondering what the hell to do next. I presume myself a thinker (in actuality I’m a hack with a passable grasp of the English language). So I’ll try to quantify and analyze my situation down to the last molecule. At the end I keep finding my standard deviation too large or questioning my sample size.

The divorce rate in the US is often touted as hovering around 50%. This figure does not tell the whole story. According to an article in USA Today, “A study published in the journal Couple Family Psychology found that lack of commitment was the most often cited reasons for divorce, listed by 75 percent of individual participants. This was followed by infidelity at 59.6 percent, too much arguing at 57.7 percent, and marrying too young at 45.1 percent as the most common causes of divorce, ” (source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.usatoday.com/amp/39043089).

However, the overall rate appears to be declining. This is a bit misleading on its face as this is influenced by a sharply increasing number of millennials and later generations choosing not to get married. So are those of us who still believe in monogamy and marriage as an institution just dinosaurs who await our demise unaware of the impending meteor strike?

I certainly hope not. Monogamy is a choice (a social construct) just like marriage is a choice. It is not easy. It’s not supposed to be. Marriage is work and protecting the institution takes persistence and compromise. We’re not perfect and we certainly don’t naturally mate for life. We have to put in the miles and accept the challenges.

If you don’t want to follow the parameters, then society offers you alternatives such as being single. I don’t have an issue with those that choose this path. But before you put a ring on it, think seriously about what it means. Are you doing this because you want to or because you think you should? Another option is unmarried but living together or at lease being committed to each other. This is perfectly fine too!

Marriage has many things to offer: companionship, stability, diversified risk, and even love. But none of these are strong enough individually or as a group to hold it together if you aren’t willing to compromise or sacrifice. You have to put in the effort. Anything less and your marriage will eventually just be another statistic, not worth the precious metal used to signify it.

If freedom is what you want then marriage may not be for you. I implore you consider this before you put on the tuxedo or the dress. Marriage has to be more than an expensive pageant followed by lawyer-fodder. It has to mean something. It has to begin in love but be buttressed by commitment through sacrifice and effort. Anything less and you are just playing a part in a play the proceeds of which will go to everyone but you (see also: lawyers). If you have it and want it, fight for it. If you don’t and you’re unsure, don’t move forward. Stop cheapening the institution because you want to look good for others. We can only fix the statistics if we agree that this commitment (and the commensurate tax benefit), is a big one. Don’t do it because you think you should.

Love hard and work hard. But don’t marry for the pageantry. Take some time and try out commitment without the legalese. There is no rush. You can have kids with or without the documents. You can buy a house together as well. Really the only thing you are sacrificing is legal propriety and a tax advantage. If your commitment can’t be trusted without that piece of paper, is it really strong enough to withstand the test of time? Think about it.

How can we so clearly feel something divine yet not define it? In my own way, I have struggled with divinity and spirituality for years.

“Of all the struggles that are truly mine, this is to know what is owed the devine.” -Me for an unfinished song

I wish I had the depth of that lyric. But really, as someone who was raised Catholic and now questions everything, it feels intellectually honest to consistently question what I think I know. Annoyingly, spirituality doesn’t lend itself to intellect. At least, not in my opinion (and I am quite certain that statement will piss some people off).

If we take spirituality and apply intellect alone, it is likely we will find ourselves agnostic or atheistic. I try to keep my mind open. But these days I take the position of a militant agnostic; I don’t know and you don’t either.

So what is a recovering monotheist to do? I allow that there is more out there than I can reconcile in my tiny lizard brain. But I also don’t allow that whatever may exist beyond the visible realm speaks exclusively to others such as prophets or clerics. If there be all these different religions with one or a few supreme beings, surely they must have group text. Why don’t they perform a merger and form one superchurch?

“To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.” – Marilyn vos Savant

Seems simple enough to me. But considering the article I just read (and reposted btw), it is far more elusive than I would wish. Knowledge is simple. Even to an ADHD prodigy like myself, it simply requires repetition and inquisition. Granted, I can read and regurgitate like a rockstar, but retention requires a LOT more discipline.

But wisdom? This seems to require reflection and consideration. With my lack of patience these are harder to come by. It is so much easier for me to interpret data and make evidence-based decisions. To make decisions based on wisdom? For me this is the raw egg portion of my mental strata. It just never seemed to make medium. When I attempt to it is more akin to forecasting or reaching to history but without the inflection of change in the curvature over time.

When I am in a new place or hiking, I find myself closer to wisdom. This is the healthier version of me that looks for solace in something that is not self destructive. But when that is not available, I have to work with what I’ve got. sometimes this is healthy, and sometimes it is not.

We all could use a breather once in a while. A moment of calm to contemplate where we are on the giant staircase. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than drinking to excess or other impulsive fixes. But figuring out these meditative moments without sounding too new-agey is a daunting task. Often I find myself falling back on my Gen X nature and making a martini. That feels more “me” than yoga. But I am still trying to put something together that makes sense. This is living life by the scientific method and like in all good science, I have to learn and accept my failures as well as my successes. Who knows, maybe one day I will.

If the most financially and critically successful artists don’t feel successful, maybe there’s something wrong with how we think about success.

The Myth of Making It — Longreads

It really doesn’t care what you think. The tag when we purchased this tree as a sapling several years ago stated that it did not like full sun. It gets absolute full sun. It stated that it preferred well-drained loose soil. It is bedded in clay soil.

We planted a matching tree in a partial-sun location with better-draining soil and that tree is nary larger than when we purchased it. This tree is rivaling larger deciduous trees in the vicinity.

This maple doesn’t care about your expectations or what you perceive to be its weaknesses. It is resilient and will grow where it pleases.

I did not write this. I reposted because it bears it. This should scare responsible capitalists and anyone with a belief in education as a desperate societal need.

The way schools choose to redesign themselves to protect students from shootings will determine how schools look, and how well students can learn in them, for decades to come.

Welcome to the Military-Educational Complex — Longreads